** DOGGY DICTIONARY **
LEASH: A strap which attaches to your collar,
enabling you to lead your person where you
want him/her to go.
DOG BED: any soft, clean surface, such as the white bedspread in
the guest room or the newly upholstered couch in the living room.
DROOL: Is what you do when your persons have food and you don't.
To do this properly you must sit as close as you can and look sad
and let the drool fall to the floor, or better yet, on their laps.
GARBAGE CAN: A container which your neighbors put out once a week
to test your ingenuity. You must stand on your hind legs and try to push the lid off with your nose. If you do it right you are rewarded with margarine wrappers to shred, beef bones to consume and moldy crusts of bread.
BICYCLES: Two wheeled exercise machines, invented for dogs
to control body fat. To get maximum aerobic benefit, you must hide
behind a bush and dash out, bark loudly and run alongside for a few yards;
the person then swerves and falls into the bushes, and you prance away.
DEAFNESS: This is a malady which affects dogs when their person wants them in and they want to stay out. Symptoms include staring blankly at the person, then running in the opposite direction, or lying down.
THUNDER: This is a signal that the world is coming to an end.
Humans remain amazingly calm during thunderstorms, so it is necessary to warn them of the danger by trembling uncontrollably, panting, rolling your eyes wildly, and following at their heels.
WASTEBASKET: This is a dog toy filled with paper, envelopes,
and old candy wrappers. When you get bored, turn over the basket and strew the papers all over the house until your person comes home
SOFAS: Are to dogs like napkins are to people. After eating it is polite to run up and down the front of the sofa
and wipe your whiskers clean.
shaking vigorously and frequently.
LEAN: Every good dog's response to the command "sit!” especially if your person is dressed for an evening out.
Incredibly effective before black tie events.
BUMP: The best way to get your human's attention when they
are drinking a fresh cup of coffee or tea.
GOOSE BUMP: A maneuver to use as a last resort when the Regular Bump doesn't get the attention you require.
LOVE: Is a feeling of intense affection, given freely and without restriction. The best way you can show your love
is to wag your tail. If you're lucky, a human will love you in return.
Letter to My Pets:
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not to switch
positions with each other so there are still two of you in my way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. All other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing your paw print in the middle of MY plate and food does not stake a claim making it YOUR plate and food.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help in your quest to reach the bottom first, because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think that I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
Dogs and cats actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to one another, stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge of the door and try to pull it open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Honest.
Also, I have been using the bathroom by myself for quite some time -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
I can't stress this one enough -- kiss me,
THEN go smell the other dog's/cat's behind.
To pacify you, my dear companions, I have posted the following
notice on our front door:
Complain About Our Pets
1. The pets live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture. (That's why it's call "fur"niture.)
3. To you, our pets are just animals. To us, they are an adopted
son/daughter who happens to be hairy, walks on all fours and
doesn't speak clearly.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids because:
---- they don't ask for money all the time
---- they are easier to train
---- they usually come when called
---- they don't hang out with drug-using friends
---- they don't need a gazillion dollars for a college education,
and
---- if they get pregnant, you can sell the children. :)
How to Tell if your Dog has a problem
Ask yourself the following questions.
1) Does your dog know the spelling, Latin root and French translation of the word "walk," yet is unable to grasp the meaning of the word "come"?
2) Does your dog immediately leap on a cat, bunny rabbit, or child upon hearing the words "Don't worry he LOVES cats, bunny rabbits and children"?
3) Is your dog shameless, graceless, without dignity and extremely in touch with his inner puppy?
4) Does he wake you up in the middle of the night to warn you of the dangers of a kitchen chair, then sleep through the theft of all your valuable possessions?
5) Does he develop a tragic and profound deafness at the sound of "It's time to go home," yet possess bionic hearing at the sound of a can opener?
If you answered "yes" to most of these questions.
Relax, your dog is normal
MY DOGS LIVE HERE
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
you don't like pets, be on your way.
they share my home, my food, my space
this is their home, this is their place.
You will find dog hair on the floor,
they will alert you're at our door.
they may request a little pat,
a simple "wait" will settle that.
It gripes me when I hear you say
"just how is it you live this way?
they smell, they shed, they're in the way.."
WHO ASKED YOU? is all I can say..
They love me more than anyone,
my voice is like the rising sun,
they merely have to hear me say
"C'mon kids, time to go and play"
Then tails wag and faces grin,
they bounce and hop and do a spin.
They never say "no time for you",
they're always there, to GO and DO.
And if I'm sad? they're by my side
and if I'm mad? they circle wide
and if I laugh, they laugh with me
they understand, they always see.
So once again, I say to you
come visit me, but know this too..
My dogs live here, they're here to stay.
you don't like pets, be on your way.
They share my home, my food, my space
this is their home, this is their place..
